They do, you know. “Hey, Mr Beard,” they’ll say, gaily demanding that I fetch their still-fluffy underage lungs some fags from the corner shop. “Oh go on,” they say, trapped in their dilapidated schoolyard until the scandalous hour of 3pm. “No,” I say. But today, a disturbing development. “Ha ha,” one of the lovable ruffians Continue reading →
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Enigma was overrated. I have discovered a more intransigent code: Portuguese pronunciation. Apparently “hello” in this alleged language is “bom dia”, only spoken with such an inscrutable combination of accents and inflections that I am convinced they do it solely to aggravate me. My pronunciation guide said it is pronounced bAWNg dEEyea, which must be Continue reading →
Yes, one day I will rule the world, and it’s things like this that will get me there. The astute amongst you will have noticed several unusual things in this photo; you will be my trusted lieutenants. The first unusual thing is that I keep the Sun in my fridge. This is only sensible, however, Continue reading →
I’m not one to mock the beliefs of others. Well, okay, I plainly am, but sometimes people’s beliefs mock themselves, and the anonymous proponent of the Reverse Theory (which I came across while working as a messageboard moderator at the BBC) is one such. An unusual take on Biblical inerrancy combined with some evolution-bashing for Continue reading →