Why I am destined to rule the world

Chilly bottle

Yes, one day I will rule the world, and it’s things like this that will get me there. The astute amongst you will have noticed several unusual things in this photo; you will be my trusted lieutenants.

The first unusual thing is that I keep the Sun in my fridge. This is only sensible, however, as if left out it is at the mercy of slugs.

The second unusual thing is that there is something on my shelf that is intentionally green. This is only because Sainsbury’s sell lettuce in this lamentable condition, however, rather than letting it ripen to the traditional brown. This is another reason for keeping the Sun in my fridge, and the slugs out.

The final and most important unusual thing is the hot water bottle. After several nights of little to no sleep due to too many people leaving their Suns outside the fridge, I hit upon the magnificent scheme of freezing a hot water bottle. I hadn’t planned on the resulting condensation, however, and woke up in a bed full of icy water and me. Obviously being British I made the best of things and added three limes and half a bottle of gin, thus reaching unconsciousness by an alternate route, but this is clearly not a long term solution.

I was thinking of wrapping hamsters in towelling and training them to continually dry me, but then I remembered about Richard Gere and the rumour that never stops and thought better of it. Also I tend to roll over in my sleep, and waking up to a bed full of crushed hamsters wearing tiny dressing-gowns would probably be traumatic.

The trick, it seems, is therefore to merely chill your bottle, using it to reach sleep without lowering your core temperature too drastically. Should you awake thirsty, you can always fill the water bottle with the cocktail of your choice, providing a ready supply of immaculately dry martinis in the small hours.

Try it. I know you and your hamsters will thank me.

0 Responses to “Why I am destined to rule the world”


Comments are currently closed.