Scientists detect fat people

Many of you will be aware of recent research performed by top scientists that allows them to detect fat people (bottom scientists, of course, have a much easier time of it). It involves 3D scanners, hospitals and men in white coats standing around saying, “indeed.” You, like me, will be gladdened by this remarkable breakthrough, but will want to know how you yourself can take advantage of this development. Fortunately, I am here to help. I have developed a low-cost version of the fattie detector, or “FATScan”, and I share it with you now, unpatented for the greater good:


“How does this work?” I hear you cry. Simple: print the above picture at A4 size, and cut where indicated by the dotted lines. Discard the central section (environmentalists may want to recycle it, or use it for the concealment of endangered ferrets). Once you have constructed your FATScan, its use is simple. Here it is in action, demonstrating that my colleague is not fat:

Not fat

As shown, the idea is to locate your suspected fat person, and convince them to remain stationary (the ease or otherwise of this task provides an early indicator of fatness). Hold up your FATScan at arm’s length, and observe the subject through the hole. A normal person, viewed through a FATScan, will have a roughly even gap all around him, as shown. A fat person will come dangerously close to the latitudinal margins of the viewport, causing clipping. Secondary symptoms may also be apparent; the fat person may be clutching a chocolate eclair, being unwarrantedly jolly, or even visibly sweating. A word of warning: make sure your subject is fully upright. Early FATScan practitioners were forced to recall a number of patients after it was suggested that they were not in fact fat, but merely lying down.

Scientist detector

Clown detector

The glory of the FATScan is not only its affordability and portability, but its eminent adaptability. The accompanying prototypes, for example (shown left, right), are believed to reliably detect scientists and clowns respectively (the latter doubles as a handy screening device for genital deformity).

The government is being petitioned to provide the scientist detector to all fat people, so that they can determine whether the person scanning them is in fact a scientist, or merely a nutter with some paper.

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