Best thing ever happens

Pelican eating pigeon

Nom nom nom

You wouldn’t believe it if you’d only read it, but an enterprising person of whom I’m very jealous took a fantastic photo (shamelessly stolen, right), proving conclusively that a pelican ate a pigeon in St. James’s Park the other day in what has to go down as easily the best Russian doll impression ever effected by wildlife.

Whether the pelican was indulging in a spot of marsupial role-play (and haven’t we all?), or was trying to compensate for the relative failure of Ken Livingstone’s underperforming hawks is unclear. What is clear, however, is that Trafalgar Square must be equipped with pelicans at once. Possibly hundreds of them will be required; I don’t know, I’m not an ornithologist. I do know that hornbills might also be useful for dispensing with some of the hardier veterans occupying Nelson’s Column, as well as providing handy bottle-openers for late night revellers. Furthermore, while vastly endangered and utterly ill-equipped to handle any predator more threatening than moss, I believe the addition of Kakapos to London’s central district would immeasurably improve things. If nothing else, a feral population of overweight, flightless honking parrots will prove much easier to control than the current pigeon infestation.

Despite the occurrence of what is clearly the best thing that has ever happened and will ever happen, Londoners returned to work as normal on Thursday. Quoted during her regular commute, media saleswoman Karen Armitage said: “No, there doesn’t seem much point any more, but I figure it’s possible they’re working up to humans, and that’d be a good way to go. Don’t you think?”

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