Author Archive for Dead Badger

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Swine Fever! or, the Dunollie Bacon Project

Never let an opportunity for a tasteless joke pass you by, as I said to the man with no tongue recently. So it is that in these times of porcine woe, my housemates and I have decided to make bacon, and dub the project Swine Fever! Sam objects, arguing that this makes us a hostage Continue reading →

Don’t put them there!

I know, I know, another google search post. But (and I shit you not) someone recently reached this site by searching for the phrase: “fuck nose sausages” Yes, “fuck nose sausages.” Thank you, mystery person. It warms my chipolatas to know that there is someone out there who: Put sausages in his nose; Became enraged Continue reading →

Dead Badger Removal: The Facts

It has come to my attention that an increasing number of people arrive here looking for guidance on how to legally remove a dead badger, only to leave disappointed. Never let it be said that I don’t respond to popular demand; here is what you need to know. Enacted in 1916 as an emergency war Continue reading →

Stupid posters (again)

It seems plenty of other people are finding the freaky Met poster campaign disturbing. Firstly, there’s another one I hadn’t seen, if anything even dafter than the first: Hurray, everybody! Let’s start poking through our neighbours’ rubbish and reporting things we don’t understand! It’ll be a blast (boom boom (boom boom)). The internet being the Continue reading →

Inept Ontology, or, The Modern-day Pinocchio

Hewn before the knowing of Time from some antipodean proto-tree, the Australian Cricket Captain is a beast not of flesh, nor of myth. Born without language or love, he knows but one desire: to execute his skills. And yet, and yet; the latest of this kind feels an alien hunger stirring within his gnarled breast. Continue reading →