Noel Edmonds’ Life Story

Noel EdmondsIt’s just come to my attention that someone arrived at my site having googled “Noel Edmonds [sic] Life Story”, something it conspicuously lacks. I apologise, and offer the following:

Born fully-bearded into the loveless marriage of Clements Freud and Atlee, the young Noel’s massively outsized forearms immediately marked him out for great things. Having enjoyed early success as an animatronic garden ornament, Noel’s destiny in show business was sealed when he fronted the Voiceless Velar Fricatives, an avant-garde folk-hop group whose backing singers consisted solely of minors with speech impediments. To avoid crowd sympathy leading to his backers gaining a higher profile than him, Edmonds insisted that they perform in blackface, earning him his famous nickname, “that bearded shit”.

The Velars having split due to creatine imbalances, Edmonds made perhaps one of the century’s greatest contributions to radio when he moved into broadcast television. Initially confined to the relative backwaters of Ukrainian public service cable, Edmonds’ ingratiating manner won him double the audience of his nearest rivals within weeks of his show’s premiere.

Following a petition and street demonstration by both of his viewers, Edmonds was headhunted by the BBC, who had mistranslated a demand for his decapitation. From this point on his life story becomes a matter of public record, although aides on “Noel’s House Party” insist that far from being the creative force behind Mr Blobby, Edmonds was in fact blackmailed into including the character by a gay North London drug dealer going by the name of “Snoopy”, who threatened to expose Edmonds’ secret ventriloquism fetish.

Presently best known for fronting hit empirical Darwinism project “Deal or Complete Moron”, Noel satisfies his latent public coprophilia by secretly shitting in the lowest value box at each show. One of his stated aims for the future is to collaborate with George Lucas on a remastering of every episode of Noel’s House Party, in which all gunge is to be replaced with digitally generated Ewok poop.

When asked for a comment, Edmonds replied, “fuck off; can’t you see I’m shitting in this box?”

Be thankful I didn’t choose to respond to the person who googled “cow udder fetish”.

No, really.

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