Sent to England cricket coach Peter Moores on May 1, 2008. A response is still awaited.

Dear Mr Moores,

I hope you will forgive my impertinence, but I am writing in the hope of convincing you to select a certain Mr RWT Key for the upcoming Test series against New Zealand. While I obviously bow to your superior knowledge on all matters technical, it seems to me that (with respect) it is a lack of vision that has prevented Mr Key from being more frequently picked in the past.

To address this, I have prepared an image that shows the true glory that Rob’s return to Test cricket would represent:

Rob Key and capybara, rampant on a field, vert

Here we can see Rob after a scintillating triple century at Lords, being borne from the scene of his triumph by his faithful steed, the capybara. The New Zealand players are difficult to make out, but I assure you that they are, to a man, weeping at the majesty of the occasion.

Now, the Australians will surely fight back with some sort of marsupial, but I hear so frequently of the importance of “momentum” in the modern game that I feel that the combined mass of Rob Key and the world’s largest rodent is not to be lightly passed up. Such a partnership would surely be unstoppable, both figuratively and literally, and I commend it to you with my whole heart and both of my trousers.

Yours etc.,

Simon C
aged 28 1/2.