A side-effect of following a series that takes place entirely while I’m asleep is that I end up reading rather more cricketing ramblings than is strictly healthy. Good has come out of it, however, as it turns out that I have a major failing I need to address. We’re not talking about my tendency to go deeper than normal at third man or anything like that; it’s more basic. Here’s Shane Warne:

“To win 5-0 is a fantastic achievement by this group of guys. This team’s played some sensational cricket through the whole summer. England have played some good cricket at times too, but when the big moments came the Australian team stood up.”

Ricky Ponting elaborates: “For the guys to stand up, myself to get some runs and to feel I’ve led the side well has been enjoyable.”

Even English cricketers are at it, as Ian Bell goes still further: “Every one of us needed to stand up and be counted. It was seriously important to do well here.”

You see where I’m going with this, and it’s not abuse of the reflexive pronoun. No, my problem is that I spend almost all of every day sitting down. Standing up is not part of my office repertoire, let alone pointless enumeration. At no time, moreover, do I ever feel tempted to put my hand up or come to the party. Standing up for no reason in an office just doesn’t work.

“What are you doing?”
“Standing up.”
“Uh, okay. Why?”
“Just because. Erm … would you mind counting me?”
“What?”
“It’s sort of important. Please?”
“Er, okay… ‘one’.”
“Thanks.”
“Feel better?”
“Not really. Canapè?”

Goddamn cricketers.