I know, I know, another google search post. But (and I shit you not) someone recently reached this site by searching for the phrase:
“fuck nose sausages”
Yes, “fuck nose sausages.” Thank you, mystery person. It warms my chipolatas to know that there is someone out there who:
- Put sausages in his nose;
- Became enraged by said sausages, and then, rather than simply removing them;
- Went on the internet to vent his frustration with them, and still found it necessary to check that he was unique.
I’m assuming, of course, that he is using fuck as a transitive verb. The possibility that it’s an adjectival modifier (“Steve has a great fuck nose, don’t you think?”) is too bewildering to contemplate.
Devoid of inspiration? Fingers listless, tired? Check your google searches for fun and profit (and cheap blog posts). Boring of late, mine have shown sparks of life this week. We begin with the promising “big feces” – apparently Gillian McKeith* is a fan. Less excitingly, my site is now a veritable hub for all things eyebrow-related (the Healey variety in particular), which pleases me no end, as does my continued dissemination of lies about Noel Edmonds. Someone would like to know “onion and tortoise how to pronounce” – I can only assume that a wildly misguided translation of Aesop is taking place somewhere on the subcontinent. And yet another visitor is looking for “outrageous badger mullet cuts” which really defies any sort of analysis.
Best of all though, having previously believed the internet to have exhaustively catalogued all possible permutations of sexual fetish, it is with some bewilderment that I discover myself to be the main authority for devotees of the “bird net facial”. Such is this community’s apparent isolation that they’re succumbing to grave self-doubt, one wavering gentleman reaching my site with the forlorn search, “what is benefit bird net facial?”
Never having had a bird net facial myself, I can only speculate as to its pros and cons, but please, sir, do not lose hope! There can be few enough of you bold enough to practise such hornithology at all, let alone reach out to kindred spirits on the internet. Readers, picture this poor gentleman at his computer, his face dripping with budgie semen and tears, and with the squawks of his flaccid menagerie ringing hollow in his ears; what worse time to experience a crushing moment of despair? I invite everyone who has known the joy of receiving a money shot from a macaw to come forth in a spirit of joyful community, and I’m happy to host such a virtual gathering on this very blog.
Help him; help yourselves. Is this not the true benefit bird net facial?
(*Gillian McKeith contains trace quantities of PhD and large quantities of nuts.)
I’m going to stop apologising at the start of these entries, favouring instead a brash unashamedness. Thus, rejoice! This entry is both dorky and self-absorbed. For today I found out how to find what people searched for before finding my site.
Thus I discover that I am something of a guru for those curious as to how halloumi goes with bacon. Granted, these wannabe epicures will have been disappointed to discover that I haven’t actually combined these two items, but I bestow my wisdom on you now:
Bacon goes with everything.
Moving on through my not-quite-mail pile, we discover that someone in the United Arab Emirates would like to see “Lebanese singers fucking”. Not here, my friend; not here. I’m not even in the first ten pages of results on Google for said horny singers – I salute your tenacity, but fear for your tendons.
More miscellaneous items include “National trust blog”, which presumably garnered the searcher a nasty surprise; “smurfs in portugal”, to which no response seems sufficient, and “nude interrogations” which I can only assume is our seeker of Lebanese porn, returned after a bout of physiotherapy.
Finally, my favourite: “how work robot?” That says it all about me, really.
How work robot indeed, sir? How work robot indeed.