Today the Serious Organised Crime Agency announced a major milestone in the fight against illegal drugs, as a survey suggested that thanks to heroic interdiction efforts, street supplies of cocaine now comprise up to 95% carcinogenic adulterants. SOCA chief Gail Upinyerschnoz was quoted as saying:
This is one in the nose for the belligerent-at-parties community; soon we will have completely replaced cocaine with toxic filler chemicals and washing powder. Nothing counteracts a temporarily inflated sense of self-worth like having bits of your face amputated, so increasing the harm caused by illegal drugs is SOCA’s goal for the next five years.
Other cutting agents used to maintain the supply of cocaine include animal worming medications and cockroach powder. Although SOCA were unable to provide figures on worm prevalence in City nasal cavities, Conservative MP Gordon Latchley-Bing said, “speaking as someone who recently had a colony of bees coaxed from my sinuses, I find it commendable that SOCA’s forethought extends to protecting the populace from nasal insect infestations.”
If you think you may have a cockroach in your nose, contact your local dealer.