…and find that even I’m bored of pig puns now. Anyway.
“How was the bacon?” I hear you cry, as well you might. Pretty good. Pretty damn good, I reply. We’ve tested it in a number of exacting scenarios, and it has not proved wanting.
1) The Bacon Sandwich
Arguably the purest use of bacon, this was our first pork of call. We controlled for bread style (toasted/plain), ketchup usage, and even experimented with fried onions and tomatoes. The results were conclusive, as shown in Fig. 1.
A subgroup analysis of people who “don’t like pork” showed that these people were wallies. They still reported considerable sandwich awesomeness, however, and have not been excluded from the results despite their palpable weirdness.
2) The fry-up
Somewhat unsatisfyingly, this analysis was performed with a cohort of just one, the other volunteers having buggered off as if it were a bank holiday weekend or something. Evidence is thus anecdotal, but awesomeness was still manifest and provable. As can be seen (right), in contrast to supermarket bacon, our product rendered simultaneously crispy yet succulent rashers, a combination unthinkable when frying store-bought pap. The maple taste was present but not overpowering, and the breakfast as a whole was so enjoyable that it was not until some time later that I realised I’d forgotten the mushrooms.
It should be noted at this point that the aforementioned non-pork-lover was, at the time he could have been using to eat the fry-up pictured, standing with an ill-fitting imitation tiger on his head among numerous shirtless sweaty men, being serenaded by a man who appears to be made of beef jerky. I pass no comment on his choice.
In part two we will see how our bacon performed at basic social interaction, and examine whether bacon can ever be appropriately deployed at the opera.