Fuck! My beard fell off!

It did, you know.

What, details? Oh, all right. In short (har har), I, a consummate beardsman, have been betrayed by my tools. I was trimming my beard to the EU-approved length of 9mm (deviation 0.75mm), when disaster struck! As I neared the sideburns, the cheaply-manufactured trimming guard sprang from the jaws of my trimmer, apparently having lusted after my earlobes for too long and unable to contain itself one moment longer.

Not expecting such dynamism from an inanimate object, my hand slipped. The voracious trimmer, oblivious, did what all trimmers do in such circumstances, and neatly scooped a bald patch off my jawline.

I stared, stunned, into the mirror; the likeness of an itinerant with mange stared back at me, similarly startled. I mumbled something about not having any change, before I realised that this horrible vision was me, and that I was going to have to fix it.

So, now I have a goatee, which as we all know is the lazy scriptwriter’s code for an evil alter ego. Accordingly, I will be being evil until the sides grow back in. I will be starting off in minor ways – under-tipping at restaurants; deliberately reading the Daily Mail; that sort of thing. By approximately Sunday, however, I expect to have graduated to at least evil henchman levels of naughtiness, and will most likely be roasting puppies, then ostentatiously not eating them.

Hopefully with my return from the Mirror Universe will come an equally scripturally lazy amnesia, so that I won’t be overcome with remorse for my misdeeds while under the beardfluence. Of course, amnesia brings its own perils, and I will probably end up starting an amorous relationship with a similarly afflicted family member, only for the inevitable realisation to destroy both of our minds.

The lesson: don’t buy shit trimmers, or you’ll end up shagging your sister. It’s inevitable.

Goatee image courtesy of shamelessly nicked from S. John Ross, who is soliciting donations so he can buy a whole first name. This blog does not condone incest or the use of imitation facial hair. Unless your sister’s really hot, in which case both are options.