Monthly Archive for April, 2007

Great Jobs #5372

I was just reading the Economist*. Specifically, I was reading a hugely self-improving article about how bacteria make you happy. I think I was, anyway; I may just be recalling one of those yoghurt drink adverts infesting late night television. Anyway, a particular bit leapt off the page, and I share it with you now:

Dr Lowry and his team injected their mice with M. vaccae and examined them to find out what was going on. First, they looked for a rise in the level of cytokines, which are molecules produced by the immune system that trigger responses in the brain. As expected, cytokine levels rose. They then looked directly in their animals’ brains for the effect of those cytokines. Cytokines actually act on sensory nerves that run to the brain from organs such as the heart and the lungs. That action stimulates a brain structure called the dorsal raphe nucleus. It was this nucleus that Dr Lowry focused on. He found a group of cells within it that connect directly to the limbic system, the brain’s emotion-generating area. These cells release serotonin into the limbic system in response to sensory-nerve stimulation. The consequence of that release is stress-free mice. Dr Lowry was able to measure their stress by dropping them into a tiny swimming pool.

I’m sure several of you will already have spotted the bit that appealed to me. Here it is again:

Dr Lowry was able to measure their stress by dropping them into a tiny swimming pool.

I can’t help feeling that these scientists are missing the wood for the trees. Here they are, trying to determine the root causes of human happiness. I salute them for this: great work, no doubt, and vital to our continued wellbeing. But to focus on bacteria levels, when such an immense source of happiness is right under their noses? No wonder the narrow-minded and obsessive stereotype of boffins persists in the media. You keep swilling your pro-vita-biotic yoghurt drinks, Mr so-called Scientist. I shall be dropping mice into tiny swimming pools once a morning. We’ll see who ends up happier.


* actually their website; I used to read the magazine on the tube, but became self-conscious about subtly advertising myself as a shameless free marketeer hell-bent on the repression of the urban poor. Now I wear an Adam Smith face mask and shouldercharge the less competent buskers, then run away burning fivers. Subtlety is overrated, I think.

Inept Misbehavin’

water balloon

I was incompetently water ballooned today. Really; as I sloped to the corner store, intent on buying OTC pharmaceuticals and tea (I forgot both, instead coming home with chicken flavour noodles and houmous), I was ambushed by some kids who were hanging around our street corner. No great surprise, I know – miraculous that I wasn’t stabbed for my socks or something – but what really irritated me was the complete lack of effort put in. The lead up was lazy; no abuse, no humourous taunts about my beard, for example. The act itself was frankly flaccid, as the balloon bounced off my right shoulderblade; even the getaway lacked verve, although I suppose here some of the blame is mine, as the most outrage I could muster was a croaked, “try that again, you little shits.”

It’s all very well Tony Blair sounding off about the shocking breakdown of respect in our society, but surely far more concerning is the fact that our nation’s youngsters are so utterly ill-schooled in basic mechanics that they can’t even construct a water balloon that bloody well bursts on impact. Nasa has done detailed research on this, you know; it’s not like they couldn’t have looked it up if in doubt.

The scalliwags in question obviously legged it before I could tutor them in the niceties of affordable hydration optimisation, but it’s really not difficult. A P.E. teacher could get a C in GCSE water ballooning, for crying out loud. Too little, it won’t burst at all. Too much, it’ll burst as soon as you try to throw it. Get with the program, for fuck’s sake. And anyway, you lot were at least eight years old – aren’t you supposed to be smoking crack and menacing grannies by now? If you haven’t mastered the art of water balloons, how are you going to be able to work out what percentage you can cut your key of charlie by to maximise your profit without Big Jimmy noticing? Hmm?

Our educational system is going to the very dogs, I tell you.